Friday, September 3, 2010

Labor Day Funnies- For mom

Celebrate this Labor Day by knowing you have the best job ever- being a mom! Please see the following job description from SuperKids~

POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three sec onds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

From Hub Pages:

A lot of people don't realize the work that goes into being a mother. Only a mother knows what a mother really does, and only a mother can tell the story. I've wrote this little tidbit that will hopefully give the rest of the world just a tiny bit of insight on just how hard us mothers actually work!


The phone rings...

MOTHER: Hello?

INTERVIEWER: Hello, Ma'am. I'm a reporter and we're choosing women at random to give brief accounts of their job descriptions to run in next week's issue of our career paper. Do you have a minute?

MOTHER: Not now, I'm busy!

INTERVIEWER: OK Ma'am, I won't take anymore of your time.

MOTHER: Oh, I'm sorry, I was talking to my two-year old. She's trying to get me to pour her some milk.

INTERVIEWER: Oh, I see. So you're a mother?

MOTHER: I can't just yet, I'll do it in a minute!

INTERVIEWER: Excuse me, what was that?

MOTHER: Oh, my apologies. I was talking to my 4 year old, he needs help wiping his bottom.

INTERVIEWER: Oh, well I'll be brief. First of all, do you work?

MOTHER: Of course I do.

INTERVIEWER: Great! What is your occupation?

MOTHER: I'm a mother.

INTERVIEWER: Oh. But you don't work for pay, right?

MOTHER: I have the highest paying job I know!

INTERVIEWER: But I thought you were a mother. Do you have another occupation?

MOTHER: Isn't that enough?

INTERVIEWER: I suppose. (pause) Well, I'll let you get back to your children Ma'am. I have some interviews to collect.

MOTHER: Wait! Don't you want to hear my job description?

INTERVIEWER: Uhhh.... (Thinking about a potential lawsuit if he should say no) ..... OK, go for it.

MOTHER: Could you hold on just a minute? Let me take care of my son in the bathroom. This should just take a second.

INTERVIEWER: (sighs) OK. I'll wait.

About 5 minutes pass...

MOTHER: I'm back. Whew, that one was above and beyond the call of duty!

INTERVIEWER: I think I'll leave that out of my article.

MOTHER: Good idea.

INTERVIEWER: Well let's hear the job description. (He mutters under his breath), This shouldn't take too long.

MOTHER: I hope you have lots of paper...hmmm. Well, here it goes...

I have the world's most important job. I'm a Manager of Miracles (or MOM for short). I train people for life. I teach them morals and right from wrong. I make sure that they get the proper education that will help them to one day have the ability to rule the world if necessary. I also teach them the small things that go along with good civilization such as good hygiene and manners.

The training process takes a lot of patience and requires me to hold a number of different job titles. I'll share just a few with you for time's sake.

For one thing, I'm a nurse. There are times when my little "trainees" (hereafter referred to as my children or kids), will get scraped knees and little tears will stream down little faces. It is my place to put a colorful bandage on it and kiss it. This has an amazing healing effect. Usually, the child will then wipe their eyes, smile and run back and do the same thing that made them get the scraped knee in the first place. However, there are more difficult times like when my kids have the flu. It is then my place to be on call at any given moment to come and check temperatures, administer medicine, or even hold a barf bag. If I don't get there quickly enough, it may require cleaning messes out of the carpet. I often give up my own sleep to make sure that my child is comfortable.

Also, I'm a referee. Believe it or not, there are times when my little "angels" grow horns. Fights break out between siblings and it's my place to break up the fights and restore the peace.

Sometimes as a MOM, I must be a psychologist. I have to delve into the problems of my children and find the root causes for their behavior and help them change it.

I'm a teacher 24/7. My children are constantly learning from me whether I'm trying to teach them or not. This requires me to be very careful about everything that I do and say, for they learn the bad as well as the good.

Another one of my jobs, and one that I'm really good at is that of an attorney. There are times when the judge, (dad), lays down the law. Although I agree with Judge Dad that punishment must be received for wrongdoings, I look into what caused the child to behave the way they did. I've been know to get "sentences" reduced if the child can present good reasons for why they did what they did. (Judge Dad don't seem to think that this is an attorney role, he thinks it's a soft Mommy's heart).

I'm a chauffeur, a maid, a cook, and....did you say something sir?


MOTHER: Well, I guess he got tired just listening to all I have to do. 'click'

Let's go get your milk now sweetie

No comments: